I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
