You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
