Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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