He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
