i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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