Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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