i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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