dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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