i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
