If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
