some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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