I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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