remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
