I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
did i just pee glitter
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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