Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize