well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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