she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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