Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As shirtless as possible
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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