The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
