the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
