after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
