I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
