Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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