Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
