Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's never too late to be topless.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
