I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
