I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize