I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
