Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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