wanna go halves on a baby?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
