I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
