How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
