there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
