I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
