my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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