My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
