Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
