Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
