I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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