time to smoke my breakfast
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
