I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
