she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
