Do you still have your period?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
