Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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