when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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