i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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