My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.