I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
