After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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