so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
