her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
