I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
