After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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