do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
