And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
