I'm jealous of your bromance
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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