man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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